I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
