dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
