My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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