Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
did you just send me my own nude
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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