Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
