I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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