hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
