I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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