This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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