Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
