im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
