he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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