Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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