Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize