she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Found your dick twin last night
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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