i just sent this text using only my big toe
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
