Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
