just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
