I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
