I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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