seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
In America we eat man semen.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
