I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
