I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
