U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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