You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
