Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
