I am puke
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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