Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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