overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
