how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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