I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
