Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
