fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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