I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
