You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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