I wish you could order shots online.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
