Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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