My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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