I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
