is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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