my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
