Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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