Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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