I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
