shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
