You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
