I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
