at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
