don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The best revenge is premature balding
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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