You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
